…neither having developed the love nor attainment of mastery in life, it is commonplace for people to struggle rather than to experience effortless flow. Without the natural flow, it is easy to struggle and suffer. When focused on struggling and suffering, it is easy to lose mindfulness. Without mindfulness, the way to developing insights to one’s own issues becomes limited. Without insights, it is easy to repeat one’s mistakes over and over again.

Tao of Healing: The integral way of healing
John Kim, MD

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You’ll figure it out, J.

I’ve heard this perspective plenty of times throughout the past 8 years of my life. While I was not always welcoming of this advice, I knew that these words were genuine and that they held a universal truth. You’ll figure it out was a reminder that no matter what I was going through at any given point in my life - trials, errors, hardships, pains, shames, blames, ups, downs, or confusions - that I will eventually figure it out.

The last time I heard these words from my friend was on August 2nd, 2011. I didn’t know that would truly be the last time I heard them from his mouth and with his genuine delivery because two months later my friend passed away in an accident. While I wish I still had him a phone call or hang out away to ask for his advice through my ups and downs, I already know what he would tell me: You’ll figure it out, J.

No matter what happens - good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or sick, happy or sad, loved or unloved, accepted or un-accepted, understood or misunderstood, strong or weak, bulls-eye or complete miss - I’ll always figure it out. It may not happen in the most ideal time frame or in the most ideal experience or on the most ideal terms… but I’ll figure it out. I always have and I always will.

I have used this advice over the years to get me through the hardest of hard and the easiest of ease. Currently, this is where I’m at…

• Love and accept myself and others
• Forgive myself and others
• Be happy with myself and others
• Give myself and others the benefit - never the doubt
• Have faith in myself and others
• Have an open and honest heart with myself and others
• Listen to my mind, heart, and body - they always know best
• Have perspective when my Ego is calling the shots
• Find a balance of Wants vs Needs
• Do not judge, assume, or shame my battles or other’s battles
• Do not place unrealistic expectations on myself or others
• Do not provide myself with unnecessary boundaries or limitations
• Do not compare myself to others
• Surround myself with caring people who unconditionally support and understand me, and to not waste my efforts on those don’t
• Take everything and everyone that I experience into perspective
• Learn from everything - even if I don’t learn right away
• Appreciate every single experience that I go through - good or bad
• Be kind and easy on myself and others
• I am always doing my best - that’s all I can ask of myself and others
• Communication is the foundation of a good relationship with self and with others
• Take responsibility for my actions and reactions
• Never run away because it’ll only create more problems in the end
• Fear is an illusion - I create all of my fears and fears create all of my dis-eases
• Trust that what I give will be received in return
• Try not to take myself so seriously
• Have fun!
• At the end of the day… I’ll figure it out

I share this story because I have faith that we all will figure it out. Some may figure it out quicker than others. Some may figure it out and have it fall through their hands only to figure it out again. Some may figure it out longer than others. Some may think they figured it out only to realize they have a lot more figuring out to do. Some may figure it out in different ways than others. Some may not think they need to figure it out only to experience quite the figure-it-out-wake-up-call. In the end, we all figure it out.

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• Addiction is a form of control, but what leads to that control?
• Addiction is a symptom to an underlying cause, so we must define our true pain that we are suppressing or escaping.
• On the outside, addiction involves reflective escapes - food, drugs, alcohol, sex, anger, depression, exercise, etc. 
• Deep down, addiction involves an escape from self - self-shame, self-sabotage, a lack of self-responsibility, a lack of self-awareness, and, ultimately, a lack of self-love.
• We can overcome addiction when we become aware of what we are escaping and take responsibility for our actions.
• We can overcome addiction when we see the value in what releasing that addiction can bring.
• We can overcome addiction when we stop running away from ourselves, others, and our self-made problems, boundaries, expectations, boarders, shames, pains, or walls.
• Addiction is an external attempt to find internal love.

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Our full potential is 100%, right?

We do our very best to give 100% of 100% of ourselves.

Sometimes we are only able to give 80%, 75%, or even 50% of 100% of ourselves.

Whether we give 80% or 50%, we are still giving our best effort of 80% or 50%.

We all have emotions, beliefs, obstacles, burdens, struggles, conflicts, past pains, judgements, and shames that have the ability to limit our potential.

Let’s say you and I are in the same class together. We have a test one morning that is graded immediately. After 10 minutes you hand in your test and get back a 100% of 100%. After 30 minutes I hand in my test and get back 30% of 100%. Naturally, we can conclude that you’re smarter than me based off of the grade and the time it took to complete… but is that really true based off of one (or even several repeated) experience(s)?

What if I didn’t eat a good breakfast that morning and that affected my blood sugar, mental clarity, and ability to retain information?

What if I wasn’t able to fully study because I had to take care of my little brother who has been sick for quite some time?

What if I was dealing with an internal emotional battle because my parents were going through a divorce?

What if I don’t care about school and constantly fail tests, but that is a manifestation of a sexual shame that I experienced when I was younger to believe I am not good enough in present day?

What if I knew all of the answers but chose to fail because it was more fulfilling to be perfectly “stupid” rather than being perfectly “smart”?

I may have failed the test, but I was giving my best - it may not have been my 100% best, but it was my best effort given my situation(s).

Do not judge, assume, or blame others for their faults (we do that enough to ourselves) - have faith, trust, and encourage others for their abilities.

Do not give people the benefit of the doubt - give people the benefit, the respect, and the empathy that they deserve.

Be kind. For everyone you meet if fighting a hard battle. - Plato

Suffering

Suffering or “pain” in a broad sense is an experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm in an individual. Suffering is the basic element that makes up the negative valence of affective phenomena.

Let’s dissect this…

Aversion is the first word that jumps out at me and, ultimately, the only word that matters. We are so quick to deflect, hide, point fingers, or run away from the pain that causes our suffering. Why? Is it much easier to suffer from suffering or to suffer temporarily when we address our pain? 

For example, a person who wants to lose weight can choose their path of suffering: long or short term. Long term: Contain, hide, run away, blame, or makes excuses for their suffering - never addressing the true cause of their pain within themselves and their past. Short term: Admit, accept, and forgive themselves for their pain, and suffer temporarily through a battle of wants vs needs. Addressing the cause of the pain will create suffering, but we must take the perspective that the temporary pain is necessary in order to heal. This concept can be transposed to various types of suffering; the cause can be universal…

We all suffer for ourselves. We do not suffer for anyone or anything. Let that sit a little…

How we experience a situation can dictate if we suffer, when we suffer, how long we suffer, and how much we suffer because our reality (our experience) is what we perceive it to be. 

We can suffer because we are suffering.

Suffering becomes a “problem” when we become comfortable in the chaos. 

The difference will be perspective…

First one must admit that they are suffering.

Do you know why you suffer [for yourself]?

What is the cause of your suffering, not the symptoms?

What lessons can you learn from your suffering?

How do you react in situations that encourage your pain from within?

Do you take responsibility for yourself - how you experience and perceive reality?

Does fear play a factor? Why are we so afraid to overcome our fears?

Suffering is necessary - death brings rebirth. Often our suffering is our own way of saving ourselves from a greater pain that we are too vulnerable to confront when it occurs.